My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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