The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
