I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
