I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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