btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
