guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
