I just pynch a tree in the face
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
