im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
