Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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