come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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