He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
