i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
