The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
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All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
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I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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