So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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