Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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