K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
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I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
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The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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