I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I smell like Dick and happiness
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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