If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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