Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
