I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
