My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
