At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
