Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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