When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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