I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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