oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
