Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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