I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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