life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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