my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
