Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
