Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
