i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.