my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.