i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
