I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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