We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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