You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
