they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
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I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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