He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
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I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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