Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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