You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
