Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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