if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN