He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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