If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
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I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
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I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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