someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
