Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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