Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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