It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
