you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
