My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
