im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
