Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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