Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
