i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
